Scrooges aside, there are several very fruitful categories of terrible names in literature. Today I would like to identify some of the worst. And by “worst” I mean I would not like to have them as my own name. I reserve the judgment their literary merit to you, reader. The two categories I’m going to focus on are on-the-nose names and names that are straight up awkward. Let’s proceed. Names are important, and you can find a lot of inspiration in literary names, if you’re looking for a change yourself or if you’re thinking of naming something like a baby or a pet. Might I just suggest avoiding some of the names listed above, if you want your kid to have a crack at success and/or making friends? You might also avoid something like Milo Minderbinder, if you would like to give your puppy a chance at a normal life (all of the other puppies might be wary of what kind of mental trap they’ll be caught in with him). Your name is Draco Malfoy. Draco sounds like a cross between “drag” and “psycho” so you know this person is both very unfun and also might be Patrick Bateman. Malfoy can only be a play off of the word/character Maleficent, right? Mal means “bad” in French, maleficent means “causing harm or destruction, especially by supernatural means” according to Google.com so yes, Draco Malfoy, is an on-the-nose name for a terrible character and a terribly on-the-nose name for a character of his persuasion. Next: you are referred to professionally (AKA in Percival Everett’s novel So Much Blue) as “The Bummer.” That’s a bummer because, chances are, nobody likes it when you show up. Here’s another fun one: “Alyosha the Pot.” That is the title of a classic Leo Tolstoy short story. It is also what the main character is referred to. I actually think it’s kind of a fun name until you realize that the character is meant to be, well, very dense. In that case, I wouldn’t care so much to be referred to as a big, round, empty object. Two more that both come from the universe of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter: Dimmesdale and Chillingworth. Can you guess which one is a big dick and which one is sort of, um, to be polite: DIM? I thought so. Before we wrap up, let’s give a special shout out to the king of terrible character names. You’ve seen him in the first paragraph and he’s back for a quick guest appearance, it’s the great Charles Dickens! Lord Lancaster Stiltstalking from Little Dorrit is a wild name. When I searched the name on the internet, Google.com warned me that my “safe search” wasn’t on so I might see nudity and/or graphic images. I’m serious! Come to think of it, Little Dorrit is not that much better. I know that is not her real first and last name, printed on her birth certificate kind of situation, but if people called me “Little Dorrit” I would not care for it one bit. A few others: Seth Pecksniff, Zephaniah Scadder, Toby Crackit, and Jane Murdstone. If I had read more Dickens, I might be able to assign these to one of the two categories above, but alas, they are relegated to a category all their own: names I love, but do not want.
